Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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