i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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