I faked an abortion last night.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize