cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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