I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
