Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
