Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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