I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
