Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
