What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
