I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
