so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
