My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
