I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
