Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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