Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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