help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
