I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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