It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She bit a glass in half.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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