Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
