So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize