For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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