How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
