I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
