She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I did not marry a roomba.
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