i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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