ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize