Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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