I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
