Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
