I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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