Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
