Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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