if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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