New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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