Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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