Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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