my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
