You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize