I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
