It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Damn victory sex feels great
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
