hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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