Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
