i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
