Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
