exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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