And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
