The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
