I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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