I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
