9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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