I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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