dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
