my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
