Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
