come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
