You're my little dorito
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
