I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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