I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize