Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
