He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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