I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
