They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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