Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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