Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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