im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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