I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
