I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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