I think my fart just growled at me.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The best revenge is premature balding
is wine microwaveable?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
