You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
