Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
